


Changes

by sheroars



Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: And a Friend Needs a Helping Hand, F/M, Fluff, Hurt/Comfort, Squad, sort of a case fic, things change
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-12
Updated: 2018-04-21
Packaged: 2019-04-21 20:04:16
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 12,651
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14292399
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sheroars/pseuds/sheroars
Summary: "I wish I could read your mind sometimes.""What do you want to know?""Are you happy?""With you? Deliriously."





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> References to Light Pours Out but you don't need to read it to keep up

It was a brisk Thursday night in New York City and Forlini's was quiet.

 

Some suited professionals were watching the evening news at the bar. They sat across from each other in a booth in the back corner, drinks precariously close to the edge of the table. They both had an extensive amount of paperwork to sort through and more than a few files stacked on the seat next to them. His was casework. Hers was emails, forms, memos, and related bureaucratic pains. 

 

"Oomph. I don't even have that much homework." Rafael looked up and grinned.

 

"Gail! Long time no see." He cleared a spot on his booth seat for a young woman in a smart plaid blazer to sit next to him.

 

"You look like hell, Rafa." He snorted as she reached across the table to fondly press Olivia's hand. "Lieutenant Benson, stunning as usual. Am I interrupting?"

 

"Not at all." Olivia grinned, squeezing the young woman's hand. The bartender brought Gail a jack and coke.

 

"Thank you sir. Another round for them and an antipasto for the table. My tab please." She said.

 

"What are we celebrating?" Rafael put his pen down and loosened his tie. 

 

"I gave a presentation on my research practicum today to the entire psych department and I didn't even cry." They laughed along with her. There was a small group of young looking professionals at the bar now that Gail must have come in with, a few of them were familiar.

 

"Did you all work with Lucia this year?" Olivia asked as fresh drinks and food came to the table. She closed her laptop. 

 

"Oh yah. Theo, Devante, and I were the full-timers. The rest of them collected data as part of a bigger project or conducted observations for ethnographies."

 

"Since when do you hang out with sociologists?" Rafael teased.

 

"Since your mother started hiring them to authenticate the long standing assumption that is in fact, better than everyone else in the borough."

 

"It's a disease." He admitted.   

 

"What did you end up narrowing in on?" Olivia asked. 

 

"Applications of problem solving therapy and relaxation training in after school detention programs." She squinted and quoted, brain very obviously overworked for the day. She shook her dark hair down from it's ponytail and knocked back half of her drink.   

 

"Mami is endlessly proud of your work, Gail. You should be too." She smiled at her friends and mentors. The two had also become regular volunteers at Lucia Barba's afterschool and weekend community programs, and consequently had become regular sounding boards for Gail's research. She was a passionate person. She and Lucia got on like a house on fire. Every Saturday Mama Barba put together brunch for various students, teachers, and community organizers to sit down and exchange ideas. Gail was a regular attendee, along with Rafael and Olivia.    

 

"It wouldn't have happened without your help. Or Lucia's. Cheers to not getting kicked out of NYU." Their glasses met over the middle of the table. "Anything interesting going on here?" She looked down at the papers still covering a majority of the table, saving a few from getting crinkled under Rafael's elbow. 

 

"Absolutely not." Olivia sighed, sinking down into the booth. "Every time I wrap a loose end three more unravel. I'm considering driving north and joining the first off-grid commune I find."

 

"Excellent."

 

"Are you interested in a five year old boy or a waffle maker by chance?" Gail pretended to consider it.      

 

"Hot off the press." Rafael said, handing her a release that would be in the New York Times tomorrow. "I'm trying to get Ronald O'Hara's parental rights terminated."

 

"The breakout Broadway actor?"

 

"None other."

 

"Holy shit, man." She dropped to a whisper. "You just carry this around? You shouldn't. I shouldn't be looking at this, should I? How is your face not in the paper yet?" They bit their lips to keep from laughing too loudly. "You're about to be the most hated man in New York."

 

"They're giving him the weekend to arrange his funeral." Olivia teased. 

 

"What's your professional opinion on repeat episodes of substance induced psychosis and parental competency?" He mused.

 

"Ah yes, my professional 3rd year undergraduate opinion…" She giggled. "That would be a _hell no_. But I could point you to various journals, research, APA recommendations, and experts that would give you a _hell fucking no_. Is he actively seeking treatment?"

 

"When asked, he told caseworkers quote…" He searched for a CPS report. "Are you trying to kill God? And then proceeded to take off his clothes and meditate naked on the kitchen floor."

 

"Shit." She almost choked on a bite of cheese and tomato. Olivia sputtered on her drink. "Is the mother in the picture?"

 

"No. He adopted all three of the children. But he has a sister he's been trying to estrange himself from who is more than willing to take them in."

 

"Goddamn tragedy." Gail sighed. "Explains why he snagged the Tony for Rocky Horror anniversary show though. He made Tim Curry look like a soft romantic lead." Rafael gave her a bemused look.

 

"Are you a fan?"

 

"I'm a gay college student from out of state in New York City. All we do is waste money on shows, coffee, and bar food." They laughed at her resigned expression. She stayed till the plates were clean. The conversation flitted from work to Lucia Barba's latest programming venture and back again.

 

"Did she tell you about the speaker series?" She asked. 

 

"No."

 

"Oh good." She giggled. "Witness Wednesdays. You two will be asked to participate soon, no doubt. Every Wednesday the whole school will start their morning together in the gym. Someone from the community will talk about where they came from and where they're going. Anybody who is really succeeding and helping others, whether they left their neighborhood or not."

 

"Right up your ally." Olivia looked at Rafael. He pulled a face. 

 

"I doubt there are many junior high pre-teens thinking about law school." Gail elbowed him. 

 

"I can name three actually. But cops are slightly more popular."

 

"Witness Wednesdays." Rafael mused. "I'll have to have a word with her about the name."

 

"It's churchy, isn't it? Gives me war flashbacks to off key gospel music and testifying in public."

 

"Testifying?" Olivia snorted.

 

"Share your journey and your burden but especially your sins, brothers and sisters. Lest the devil tear us asunder with deadly ammunitions. We keep no secrets in the house of God. Step up and be cleansed." She put on a preacher's voice in make them laugh. "During confirmation I told the whole congregation that I kissed Karen Matthews behind the bleachers and those demons still have me at the top of their prayer list." She tisked. She settled her tab after her second cocktail and a few more hilarious stories. 

 

"Can I call you a car?" He asked as she stood and shouldered her bag, leaning over to kiss Olivia on the cheek.

 

"Some of us plebeians still take the subway." She reminded him, pressing his hand. "See you 'round."

 

"Absolutely." Olivia said. Gail left them with a sleepy smile. "Hmmm I think I'm tapped out." She said, looking at her phone. It was half past eight. 

 

"Agreed." He pinched the bridge of his nose, pleasantly buzzed and not at all motivated to prep any further.

 

"What time is your hearing tomorrow morning?" Somewhere under the table she crossed her ankles behind one of his. He smiled at her softly.

 

"Noon."

 

"Lucky." She pulled a face. "I have to be in Dodd's office at 9."

 

"Lucy stays over Thursdays, right? My place is closer than yours." He offered. She smiled back.

 

"There's an idea." They packed up. They settled their own tabs. Shouldered their bags. His place wasn't all the far away. It was a little cold and very breezy, but it was comfortable after the heat of the bar and a day spent running around town. He unknotted his tie all the way, tossed his coat casually over one shoulder. She felt a deep rush of affection when he smiled at her again. In the last five and a half days she had seen him exactly twice, once for a quick lunch and once for a nightcap thanks to three open SVU investigations and four family court cases keeping them on opposite sides of Manhattan. This morning she had to cancel breakfast to track down a witness and she almost cried with frustration. Today he swept through the office around 6 pm and they practically ran for it, along with Rollins and Carisi who were coming up on their 5th hour of talking shit about Finn for being on vacation.

 

She slipped her hand into his. "I can't remember the last time I had a week this crazy. Or stupid." He squeezed her hand and nodded in agreement.

 

"The poor lady at the coffee shop this morning asked how many shots of espresso I wanted and I just said yes." She laughed and knocked her shoulder into his. "And you missed me snapping at poor Nancy for printing too loudly."

 

"Stone started to feel bad for us. He tried to take us all out to lunch yesterday and I actually told him to shove it in front of the whole squad room." She groaned.

 

"Olivia Benson!" He chastised in an attempt to get her to laugh again. "You know how impressionable Carisi and Rollins are." 

 

"Oh they don't need my help. Did you hear about the 6 car pile up in Brooklyn last night?"

 

"You're kidding."

 

~

 

By the time they got to his building they were caught up on the big disasters in each other's week. She was ranting about something regarding a heinously annoying crime scene tech. He caught something about libertarian politics and Finn's leftist sensibilities before his hands were framing her face and he was kissing her quiet.

 

"Fair point." She joked a little breathlessly as he kissed both her cheeks and moved towards the kitchen to put on a pot of coffee. She followed, smiling and fighting a yawn. "Will you hate me if I say all I really want to do is go to bed?"

 

"Yes. You may sleep on the couch." He teased- smiling, wrapping an arm around her waist, and pulling her against him as he said it. The coffee began to drip as she slipped her arms around his neck and nuzzled against his cheek. He sighed happily and dropped a kiss on her shoulder. Having her here in person was healing. She was warm. And solid and real. She could convey a lot of that through the phone but this was infinitely better.  

 

"Don't laugh at me."

 

"Never." He said.   

 

"Sometimes I just really need to lay around in the dark and listen to you talk for awhile."                  

 

"To put you to sleep? Well, it was nice while it lasted." She thumped his shoulder with the back of her hand but he felt her smile against his neck. She inhaled deeply, blindly opening the top two buttons of his shirt as she sank further into the embrace. His fingers pushed up the back of her blouse, drawing light circles on her spine. When the pot finished brewing he gave her a gentle push to the side and a swat to the rear, signaling that she should go get comfortable. By the time she was done stealing clothes to wear, taking off her make up, calling Noah to say goodnight, and washing her face he was already in bed giving his emails one last look for the night. All the lights were off. The curtains were thrown open to catch the night lights.

 

He watched her navigate with considerable amusement, stumbling into bed and flopping dramatically against the pillows. She gratefully accepted the cup of coffee he handed her. She propped herself up sideways, drew one leg to her chest, balanced her mug on her knee, and stretched the other across his lap.

 

"This needs to stop." He twisted his fingers into the fabric of the sweatpants she had pilfered. They were roughly the same height and size, a perk for her and a loss for him.

 

"I'll buy you your own."

 

"These are my own."

 

"Not anymore. Besides, it's customary."

 

"Oh?"

 

"And it's supposed to be sexy, isn't it?" She pointed out. "I'm supposed to have a drawer full of your stuff by now." 

 

"You're the sexiest nun in Manhattan, mi Vida." _My life_.  One corner of his mouth quirked upwards, ruining the serious expression he was trying to project.

 

"Shut up." She laughed into her mug. He was always warm enough, she was always freezing. Tonight she was wearing socks, his grey joggers, and an old Harvard sweatshirt zipped up to the neck with the hood hanging loosely off the back of her head. Her hands were perpetually folded into the sleeves. She knocked the hood all the way off and pulled the zip down to an alluring place to prove a point.

 

"I never said I wasn't into it, _Sister Olivia_."

 

"You were right. This was nice while it lasted." She threw his joke back at him and watched him throw his head back and really laugh. When she reached for his hand he gave it to her. She pressed his palm against her thigh and stroked the backs of his fingers. They finished their coffees while continuing to harass each other in between questions about the other's week.

 

"Tell me about Noah." He said after lazily disposing of their mugs on the bedside table. 

 

"Missing you terribly." She said softly, chin in hand. "You're invited to t-ball by the way."

 

"I'll be there." He said, hardly missing a beat. She raised an eyebrow.

 

"At 8 am on a Saturday?"

 

"Of course." He gave her a look, as if she should know better. She softened. She loved the way he loved her son. "I'll tell Mami. She'll build a cheer squad. All the other parents will spend the game wondering who the hell invited the south half of Bronx." She snorted.

 

"He made Uncle Finn, Aunt Amanda, and Uncle Sonny all pinkie swear to be there too."

 

"He's going to be the most famous player in New York." She leaned in abruptly, taking his chin in her hand a kissing him firmly.

 

"Thank you." She got up to brush her teeth. She resettled herself after plugging her phone in to charge. He pulled the curtains and plunged them into complete darkness. A full eight hours of sleep sounded like heaven right about now. Domesticity these days was...everything. He curled an arm around her waist and pressed a series of soft kisses to her shoulder. 

 

"I got a job offer this morning." He said. 

 

"That's not unusual, is it?" They came pouring in from several states after the trial, it was how he landed his current spot in child advocacy.  

 

"A teaching position. Adjunct."

 

"Oh."

 

"Very unusual."

 

"Yah." She agreed with a laugh. "Where? One of the community colleges?"

 

"Columbia."

 

"OH." She turned over abruptly, facing him in the dark. "And?"

 

"I don't know." He admitted. "I think I'm still stunned." She felt for his cheek and molded her palm to the curve of his jaw.

 

"I think you'd be a fantastic teacher." She said softly, tracing the curve of his ear with her thumb. "I mean…you got Carisi to pass the bar and I've never seen him write a complete sentence on a DD5-"

 

"A shining academic achievement." He snorted before breathing deeply, obviously conflicted. She felt a pang somewhere deep in her gut. A year or so ago he would have never doubted himself. The acquittal was more like the start of an intensely unforgiving journey than the end of one. "I know it's not a joke…but it feels like one." She used her hand to guide her aim. Kissed him till he was breathlessly dragging his lips down her neck and pressing his nose to her collar bone. She held him to her chest, continued to stroke his hair. Him. Ivy League. Teaching. t made sense. 

 

"All it means is that they see you, Rafael. They see a good man. A complex man with wins and losses, but still a good man. Just like I do." He hummed appreciatively, shoulders relaxing.

 

"Should I consider it?" He asked hesitantly, pushing up on an elbow above her. 

 

"You told me you wanted to move on and three weeks later you were back in the courtroom. A different one. But it looks an awful lot like penance from here." She pointed out gently. He laughed self consciously, sliding an arm under her neck and touching his forehead to hers briefly. She felt him swallowing down some hard emotions as he tried to speak several times and stopped before any words fell out.  

 

"I hate it when you're this right." She smiled. Kissed the corner of his mouth. She wrapped her arms around his neck and hoped he felt anchored to something…hoped she could help clear this devastating confusion from his mind.

 

"And I know it's against every fiber of your being, but you can in fact take a few days to mull things over. Weigh the pros and cons. Research." She reminded him. He wrapped a hand around her knee and pulled it gently to the side so he could fit between her thighs. She pushed her fingers through his hair as he kissed her over and over, pushing her down and absorbing every bit of safety and sanity she was offering him. She shivered as he suckled her throat.

 

"Liv." She might have gone weak in the knees if she were standing. She hitched a leg around the back of one of his to keep him in place.  

 

"Rafael." She sighed as he inched the zipper of her hoodie down further and pressed hard, wet kisses between her breasts. She couldn't help but arch into him. "I wish I could read your mind sometimes." She mumbled. She felt his lopsided smile.

 

"What do you want to know?" He inched the zipper down further so he could rest his cheek against her stomach. She pushed her fingers through his hair.

 

"Are you happy?"    

 

"With you?" He asked against her sternum. "Deliriously." He thought over her question while pushing himself up on an elbow above her, taking her hand out of her hair and linking their fingers. He pressed his lips to the back of her wrist. "But I think you're right. I think I'm still tired. And I don't think this work is…permanent. Or sustainable."

 

"Hmmm." She hummed thoughtfully. Squeezing his hand. "The edges might fray but your center will hold." She corrected him. "But at the same time you can make things a lot easier on yourself." She could practically hear his gears turning as he moved to lie next to her. She turned towards him, staying close. He kissed her warmly, pushing a hand up the back of her shirt and pulling her closer.

 

"What did you want to be when you were a kid?" He asked abruptly, nose to nose with her now. She laughed.

 

"I think at one point a firefighter ballerina."

 

"Oh?" He said, clearly not expecting that. "What a coincidence." His chest rumbled with suppressed giggles against her own. "I never wanted to be anything until my third year of high school. Till I wanted to be a lawyer." He mused. "And not wanting it anymore feels strange."

 

"It's not a loss, necessarily. It could be growth."

 

"You could be right." 

 

"I think I am." She decided. He was hard to kiss when he was laughing at her. "But whatever you decide…you know I'm not going anywhere." They laid their in the dark listening to each other breathe for a bit. She was almost dozing under his chin when she felt his pulse jump. "What is it?" She asked sleepily. 

 

"Nothing." She tapped her fingers against his chin. He couldn't get away with that anymore. He gathered her up in his arms and held her tight to his chest. 

 

"You always make everything better. Always." She smiled at the warmth and contentment absolutely bleeding through his voice. "I love you."

 

"Oh is that all?" She teased, smothering his huff as she resettled her head under his chin, arms clasping him back now. "You are the best thing that's ever been mine." 

 

~

 

Where her alarm went off at six she was still panting from a rather rambunctious wake up call that had started 30 minutes earlier. He was still dragging open mouthed kisses down her naked spine when his phone rang five minutes later. He groaned, rolling over to answer it. She sighed and cuddled up against his shoulder, lazily playing with his Lady of Charity pendant while kissing his neck.  He stroked her hair back from her forehead and smiled serenely.

 

"Barba." He answered hoarsely. Whoever it was on the line made him frown. "Gail? Are you okay?" She tried to shake the fog out of her head and listen. Something about Mercy General? "Okay. Sit tight. I'm on my way." He hung up.

 

"Gail's at Mercy with one of Mom's students."

 

"Is she okay?"

 

"She didn't sound it."

 

"I'm coming with you." She sat up. "My badge will get you through faster." He put a hard kiss on her mouth before getting out of bed.  


	2. Chapter 2

They waited down the hall while Carisi and Rollins took Gail's statement. Through a crack in the curtains covering the window in a nearby door they could see little Marisol Gunter lying in her bed. Thirteen years old. Six broken bones and more stitches than anyone could count. All for standing between a drunk uncle and her baby brother. 

Gail had a split lip. And she had ripped the skin of her hands open in several places. Marisol had called and texted her for help about 30 minutes before she had been tossed through a plate glass window. She had carried the barely conscious girl into the ER herself after plucking her out of the wreckage and scuffling with the mother, who insisted Marisol was just faking it for attention. Fin was down at the station with the uncle, the mother, and the older brother. Nurses were taking turns holding the baby while two social workers made phone calls. 

"This is always the worst part." She said. "The controlled chaos." 

"Methodical madness." He agreed, tearing himself away from Marisol's window. "When you were briefing Carisi and Rollins…Gail just broke down." He said, swallowing down his own emotions. "She just became a certified foster parent. She was at CPS almost every afternoon. She was looking for a bigger apartment, Theo and Devante were pitching in for rent so-." 

"So it wouldn't come to this." They sat in some folding chairs a little further down the hall. She took his hand and leaned into his shoulder, bringing his fingers to her lips before lacing them with her own. For once his pain was unabashedly written on his face. She had to recuse herself from the case but he could advocate for Marisol in the courts pro bono, but it was a half hearted victory. A judge would never award the two children to Gail- a full time college student just shy of 22. Her phone buzzed. She answered the call quietly, head falling to his shoulder. "Hey Finn." He let himself flit in and out of focus. He saw Gail and Rollins leave the room she was being interviewed in. A nurse handed Gail a hoodie. Her tee shirt had been halfway ripped off and was spattered with blood. She went to the bathroom to change. "Yes. Yah. Thank god. Thank you." Olivia hung up abruptly. "Marisol has a sister." 

"What?" 

"Mrs. Gunter had her first child at 15. Her name is Yola. She lives in Buffalo, with her wife. They're both well respected professors at a local community college and are getting here as fast as they can with their lawyer. They've had minimal contact with Marisol and they didn't even know about the baby but they've got room to spare, apparently." Relief washed over them both. He caught her cheek in his free hand and pressed a long kiss to her forehead before standing. Gail came out of the bathroom, still flushed and weepy. Rollins squeezed her arm. Carisi hung up on a call as he joined them. Olivia relayed Finn's news to Gail. Her face crumpled. She threw her arms around Olivia's neck in thanks. 

"Rollins, wait at the station for Yola. Drive them over as soon as they're briefed. Carisi-"

"Door duty. On it, boss." He passed a card to Gail as she stepped back and wiped at her eyes with the fingers not currently lost in bandages. Rafael pulled her hands away and offered her a tissue. 

"Thank you." The detectives went their separate ways. Carisi went down the hall to sit in front of Marisol's door. 

"Who can I call?" Olivia turned back to Gail. 

"For me?" Gail sniffed. "I texted Theo and Devante. They're going to drive me back to my apartment on their lunch break." 

"Do you have any family in the-?" Rafael shook his head before Olivia could finish the question. 

"Call off the boys. You shouldn't be alone when you're basically concussed and on pain killers." Rafael said. "You'll pack a bag and stay in my guest room." 

"I'm not concussed, Rafael you don't-"

"It's me or Mami. Trust me." She laughed. 

"He already called in a day and Lucia has been seething in her office all day so…" Olivia added. 

"Hands on or hands off, I get it. I'll get my shit. I clean up and come back though. I don't want her to wake up alone." 

"You got it." They watched her limp back down to the nurse's station, where they were holding her things. Rafael turned towards Olivia and slipped an arm around her waist. She sighed and put a hand on his chest. 

"Dodds is looking for me and I need to be at the station when Yola gets here-" 

"Not all of us can play hooky." He acknowledged, kissing her quickly. "Go." 

"You'll be okay?" She hesitated. 

"Of course." She touched his face and slipped away. Gail gave him a soft wolf whistle as she returned with her personal effects in a big plastic baggie. Carisi snorted from down the hall. Rafael shot him a rude hand gesture behind his back and pulled a face at Gail as he pulled out his phone to order an Uber. 

~

Olivia couldn't get back to the hospital until seven. Rollins had taken Yola and her wife, Elyse, to the hospital an hour ago. She grabbed some deli sandwiches for the small crowd of people that was probably inevitably gathered around Marisol Gunter's hospital room. 

The site she found was amusing to say the least. Rollins was holding the baby boy. Antonio was the roundest baby anyone had ever seen. Rafael and Carisi were sitting across from them making ridiculous faces to keep the sleepy and frustrated little guy smiling. Lucia Barba was on the phone, pacing the length of the hall and ignoring the dirty looks coming from the nurse's station. 

"Hey Liv." Amanda snickered. 

"Hey Lieu." Carisi straightened, completely unembarrassed. Rafael cleared his throat. 

"How is she?" 

"She woke up a few minutes ago. Gail and Yola are in there with her." Amanda gestured to the room. "Elyse and the lawyer headed to CPS with the social workers. We're babysitting till they get back." 

"We should get a court date soon." Rafael added. 

"The Gunters have all been booked and arraigned." Olivia said, tossing her smuggled sandwich's around. Lucia joined them with a sigh, having pilfered coffee from the nurse's station. 

"Thank you Olivia." She said. They all looked up as Gail came out, cheeks wet and eyes red. It was good to see her in clean clothes. Her palms and wrists were still bandaged but the splints around her fingers had been removed. The stitches were pretty ugly and her lip was swollen but there was some color in her cheeks and some life in her eyes again. 

"Something on my face?" She joked hoarsely, taking a seat next to Amanda. Antonio wrapped a chubby fist in her shirt sleeve. She smiled and touched her brow to his soft curls. "She's okay. Scared as shit, but okay. She can't speak yet but she was so happy to see Yola she cried." 

"Is she in pain?" Lucia asked. 

"Yah." Gail swallowed, wiping at her eyes again. "Lot of pain. She'll have to learn to walk again…might need to see a physical therapist for the rest of her life." A grief filled silence hung over them all until Yola came out. She was a hand full of years older than Gail and was still dressed in the slacks and blazer she had worn to work that morning. She was also tearful. Amanda handed her Antonio and she got the chance to hold her baby brother for the first time. He put his head under her chin and started to doze almost immediately. 

"Thank you." She said, sitting next to Gail and putting her free arm around her, kissing her cheek ardently. "Thank you so much, Gail. Mr. Barba told me how hard you were trying to get her out, getting registered as a foster parent and everything else…I don't even know how to-" 

"You can give her so much more than I can." Gail said, embarrassed at the thought. "She told me she didn't know where you were. She only got to talk to you for a few minutes last Christmas." Yola nodded, kissing the top of Antonio's head as he fell asleep. She looked up at the lawyers and the cops and the school principle surrounding them. 

"I got into college. Fordham. I was still living in the house. I met Elyse…" She winced at the painful memory. "We wanted to get married. When I told Mama she screamed. Uncle Tony dragged me out of the house by my hair. I was 21, Marisol was 4. He told me if I ever came back he'd kill me. He would have scalped me if the neighbors hadn't stepped in. That was the last time I saw her. I always try to call. They caught us once and smashed her phone. So we've been careful. Only every once in awhile. Only for a few minutes. I didn't know they laid hands on her. I was so stupid..." Gail's expression darkened. 

"Did they ever physically abuse you before?" Rafael asked. Yola nodded. 

"I had scars. Burns. I'll show any and every judge in New York." 

~

Lucia walked them out to the parking garage. She pulled Gail in for a long embrace while Olivia put her duffle in the back of the car. 

"Marisol's really close to a girl named Ana Gutierrez." Gail broke the silence, leaning back on her heals. "Ana kissed her goodbye after school on Friday, around the time Marisol's mother picked her up." It fit the Gunter family pattern. 

"Shit." Lucia mumbled. She looked at Rafael. "That's escalating violence." He nodded his agreement. 

"They'll go away. And if they ever see the light of day again they'll never lay eyes on Marisol or Antonio again." 

"My friend in the in the DA's office says they hired an actual defense attorney. You should get a restraining order." Lucia said to Gail, who suddenly looked amused. 

"You have friend's in the DA's office?" 

"What? My boy gave six years of his life to that hell hole and you think I don't know what the inside of that office looks like?" 

"Poor Carmen." Rafael groaned. Olivia snickered. 

~ 

"Where's Rafa?" Noah asked, stretching out on the couch with his mother while she put on cartoons. 

"A friend of ours got hurt and needed some help, so they're at his place tonight." 

"Hurt?" He perked up. 

"Just a little. She'll be okay. But sometimes you have to take medicine that makes you feel woozy and you can't be by yourself." 

"Oh." He settled. "Can we help?" He yawned. 

"You'll see Rafael in the morning." 

"Oh." They fell quiet. He giggled sleepily at the TV. Olivia stroked her son's hair and checked her phone. "Can we send them a drawing? I can make one for Rafa and your friend." She bit her lip, genuinely touched. 

"That sounds like a really good idea, Noah." He was up like a shot. 

~

"You aren’t supposed to drive or operate heavy machinery." Rafael reminded her. She was settled at his kitchen counter with her laptop, several textbooks and notebooks open. She could type, stiffly and slowly, but she could type. She shot him a look. 

"I got punched not concussed." 

"Are you sure? I saw a picture of that lady. She could bench press me if she wanted to." He joked, pouring himself a scotch and sitting on the bar stool next to her. His own work was spread out on the coffee table. She smirked. 

"Yah." She looked at him, almost nervous. "I need to think about something else for awhile." He nodded, sucking in a deep breath. 

"What are you working on?" 

"Psychopathology homework. We're doing a lot of stuff on gender dysphoria right now. I need to-" Tears rolled down her cheeks. She didn't try to stop them. "I'm sorry." He put a hand on her knee. They sat in silence awhile. 

"When's the last time you talked to your parents?" 

"I went down to visit everyone over Christmas. Whole gang met up in Houston." She said, tone flat. 

"That bad?" 

"Worse. I don't think they ever forgave me for leaving. I don't think I can bear any more 'I told you so' talks." 

"That's fair." He said, sucking in a breath. "I wish I could say something profound and comforting." They laughed, both blinking back a swirl of emotions. She shrugged. 

"You're the brother I've always needed, Raf." He put an arm around her shoulders and pulled her into a tight side hug. 

"You're practically a Barba." She laughed again. Her phone alarm went off. "Time to wash your hands?" 

"Yah. And dose up. Help me with the gauze with you?" They had to unravel her like a mummy. He couldn't help but wince at the appearance of her hands. Butterfly tape covered the smaller lacerations on the sides and backs of her hand. There were six stitches along the back of her left hand, three across her right wrist. Two in her right ring finger, four along her thumb. The fingers and palm of her left hand were littered with small red cuts. 

"Damn." 

"Yah." She agreed, turning on the hot water tap of kitchen sink with her elbow. She dry swallowed a few pills. 

"How long did it take them to pull the glass out?" 

"Dunno. I was on the good shit." He snorted. 

"Just say sedated." 

"Where's the fun in that?" She gently washed her wounds with the supplies given to her by the hospital nurses. He helped her with some topical ointments. "Stitches should dissolve in two weeks. Shouldn't have any gnarly scars, just some discoloration." She said, letting him fasten a thin layer of bandages around her palms and wrists. "And then it's nothing but fucking hand exercises for the rest of my life." 

"You're lucky you didn't damage any nerves." 

"I have no nerves left to damage." She teased. "But yah, it's just skin and tissue. A little muscle tear on the wrist but otherwise right as rain." She said. "I didn't even notice any of it till the ER attendant made me sit down." His phone dinged as she flexed her fingers experimentally. He chuckled and showed her the series of photos texted to him. She smiled. "Is that Noah?" 

"Yah," He was beaming. The little boy was sitting at the craft table in his room holding up a colorful piece of paper. "Get well soon Gail." He deciphered for her. "And he drew Eddie, his favorite elephant, and…I think himself playing T-ball tomorrow morning?" 

"What a sweetie. Theo's nephew is really into little league. I bet they play on the same fields tomorrow." 

"You should come if you feel up to it." She smiled. The prospect seemed heavenly after the day they had. 

"Awe, I like Liv's drawing too." She turned his phone back towards him and pealed into giggles at his expression. Just a black crayola heart and an xo was enough to get him blushing. You guys are precious." She concluded. 

"Shut up." 

"No I'm serious. Ya'll got the real deal. You are allowed to show her off. We all know you're both like, in deep, you know?" 

"In deep." He echoed, taking a long drink of scotch. "You got that right." 

"Invested. Cuffed. Locked. Loaded. Domesticated. Done." She reiterated, keeping him laughing. "Seriously though. Is she the one?" He almost choked. She snorted. He couldn't shake the thought as she went back to her work. He finished his drink, casually reading the references and notes she pushed out of her way when she was done using them. He finished a drink and poured another. They passed an hour in companionable silence. She began yawning and thinking about going to sleep. She stood and stole a sip of his drink. 

"I'd marry her if she asked me to." He said. Scotch dribbled down her chin as she bubbled over with laughter, equal parts shocked and amazed. 

"I got dibs on best man when that wagon gets hitched. Holy shit." 

~ 

The coaches from both teams had the kids race once around the bases before helping each other stretch out. Someone had a stereo blaring 80s music. 

"GO NOAH." Jesse shouted from her perch on Sonny's knee. Amanda winced at the volume and took a long drink from her thermos. 

"Is that Irish-ed up or flat black?" Finn asked from the bleacher above them. 

"Both." She passed it back and leaned against his leg, yawning widely. 

"Atta girl." 

"You guys are acting like you've never seen the left side of 7 am." Sonny snorted. 

"Some of us had paperwork to catch up on last night, Sleeping Beauty." Amanda tossed back. Olivia finally broke away from the throng of mothers, folding her hands into the sleeves of her hoodie as she joined them. Noah and his buddies were taking another lap around the bases, waving madly. The teams were shaking hands and separating out into their dug outs as Rafael and Lucia joined them. Lucia was wearing the team's blue jersey. Rafael kissed Olivia on the cheek and slipped a hand between her knees. 

"Hey Barba, how's Gail doin?" Amanda leaned behind Olivia, patting him on the back affectionately. 

"Better. She's at the next diamond over with her roommates. One of them has a nephew in the 10 year old league."

"They the ones already grilling hotdogs?" Sonny asked. 

"There's not a single parent not wearing a backwards baseball cap over there." Rafael confirmed. Lucia elbowed him. 

"They have team spirit!" 

"Too much chanting. And all the nicknames?" Finn started in. "Wrong kind of freaky." He stage whispered as a knot of backwards cap wearing, team color wearing, and jersey outfitted parents started climbing the bleachers next to them. They all turned discreetly to see what names were stitched on the back. T-Ball Tiger Mama. T-Daddy. Everyone but Lucia and Jesse nearly doubled over snickering at the spectacle. The kids began to take the field, Noah jogged out to second base and nearly tripping on the turf he was waving at them so hard, making them all laugh even more. 

"LET'S GO NOAH!" Lucia shouted, in an attempt to cover for their highly rude behavior. They couldn't help but join all the other families as they took out their phones to document the kids' first plays. Right off the bat Noah caught a ground ball and threw it to first base for the out. Out of the whole crowd, they were the loudest. Carisi jumped up whooping and hollering with Jesse on his shoulders and didn't sit down until the older woman sitting behind him tapped him on the back. "You may eat your words now." She said to them all, laughing at their perturbed expressions. Rafael and Olivia exchanged a look. She shrugged. 

"He wanted a cheer squad anyway." He tucked his fingers into the bend of her knee, resisting the urge to kiss her there in front of everyone. She read something in his expression and smiled, clasping his wrist and leaning against his side. "Thank you for coming." He pushed hair behind her ear and looked out at the game before he did something stupid. She caught his fingers and clasped their hands properly. 

"Wouldn't miss it for the world, Livia."


	3. Chapter 3

To celebrate Noah's win they met up at his favorite pizza place. Gail, Theo, and Devante joined them with Theo's lanky nephew, Ian, and a few of his teammates. They took up 3 tables and made far too much noise. Noah sat at the head looking far too pleased with himself. He was locked in a play by play rehash of the game with Finn and Sonny.  Lucia was bouncing Jesse on her knee and getting to know Amanda. Gail was looking a little tired, but the boys were keeping an eye on her. Devante passed her a medicine bottle when their drinks arrived. Theo snickered.

 

"What? He's got bigger pockets." She said.

 

"How are you doing?" Olivia asked, touching her cheek affectionately. Her lip wasn't as red or swollen and she had hidden the bruising with makeup.

 

"I'm about to be great." She joked, popping her pills and silencing the reminder on her phone. "I slept like a rock." She assured her. "The pain is pretty much gone. I'm uncomfortable more than anything. Stiff."

 

"But who will play for us now?" Theo sighed. "The apartment is silent. I can't carry a tune and Devante's all thumbs. I'll never sleep again." Gail rolled her eyes.

 

"I was learning guitar. Guess I gotta find a low impact hobby." She flexed her bandaged fingers as everyone around her laughed. 

 

"How do you feel about harmonica?" Rafael teased. She pulled a disgusted face.

 

"Bongos?" Lucia suggested.

 

"No, no, no…what's it called? A squeezebox?" Amanda posed. 

 

"Accordion." Theo answered and then gasped.  "We can start a street corner band." Devante smacked him on the back of the head. 

 

"Hell no."   

 

Finn was teaching Noah how to toast. Now that his own grandson was walking and talking, he was basically insufferable when it came to role modeling.  Just about everyone four foot tall and under was subject to his wrath. Everyone swallowed their amusement as he held up his beer to Noah's juice.

 

"Little man you played hard and you played well. Leaning on others is a necessary part of life. Keep at it. Let it help you do great things." Noah nodded vigorously, probably only understanding half of what was being said to him. "Cheers!"

 

"Cheers, Uncle Finn!"

 

"Your going soft on us Finn." Amanda snorted.

 

"Hey, someone's gotta tell him. He ain't gonna learn nothing by watching ya'll."

 

"Ouch!"

 

"I beg to differ!"

 

"Easy!"

 

"Wow, wow, wow pal- SVU is a well oiled machine. " Sonny said.

 

"A stick shift." Fin conceded. "That's missing a few gears." Lucia laughed so hard she snorted. "And needs an oil change."

 

"Thems fightin' words Sarge!" Sonny rolled up his sleeves. Lunch proceeded in a similarly antagonistic fashion.    

 

~   

 

Rafael took Gail back to his apartment and helped her gather her things. He paid for the Uber back to her apartment. Her roommates had taken off work and school in shifts so she wouldn't be alone for the next week and could sleep in her own bed. She gave him a hard, proper hug on the curb.

 

"Thank you."

 

"Anytime. I mean it."

 

"Softie." She mussed up his hair as she pulled away.

 

"I'm serious." He said, catching her wrist. "I know you've been on your own for…a long time. And I don't ever want to see this happen to you again." She looked down at her shoes as she opened the car door. "I know you have Theo and Devante and school but you're allowed to have more. You should have more." She gave him a small smile.

 

"Everyone's building their own family. You're definitely part of mine. And Liv and Lucia are worming their way in there. I don't feel alone." He sighed and squeezed her shoulder.

 

"Take care."

 

"See you later."           

 

~

 

He let himself into the apartment and toed off his shoes. It was suspiciously quiet. He found her stretched out on the couch, glasses on and a hefty case file propped against her thighs. She looked up to smile at him. 

 

"Hey."

 

"Hi." She leaned forward so he could sit between her and the arm of the couch. He slipped an arm around her waist and anchored her to his chest, immediately burying his nose in her hair. "He almost fell asleep in the shower." She filled him in.

 

"Big day for a tiny kid. What's this?"

 

"My signature and initials are needed on 40 separate pieces of paper, apparently. I was just contemplating whether it would be easier to make a stamp out of a wine cork..." He laughed at her grandiose sigh of frustration. He brought his finger and thumb to the back of her neck and kneaded the tense spot that usually took up residence at the top of her spine when she did paperwork. "I don't know how I got so far behind."

 

"You'll get it done." He said. "An hour, tops."

 

"You're optimistic." She tipped her chin up to kiss the underside of his jaw as he read over her shoulder. He smiled and pulled her glasses off, carefully put them aside as he kissed her forehead. Her pen fell to the floor as she shifted herself into his lap, draping an arm around her neck and kissing him properly. He sighed against her cheek, finally allowing himself to touch her like he wanted to all morning.

 

"Is Gail really okay?" She asked, stoking his hair as he tugged the collar of her v neck to the side to get at her collar bone. 

 

"She is." The fingers in his hair pulled gently. "She's tired. She's scared as hell. But she's okay." He punctuated each statement with a long, adoring kiss to her skin. He looked up when she touched his chin, sensing that something was bothering her. He sat up straighter so he could look her in the eye. "We got up early and went to the hospital." He admitted. "Seeing Marisol and Yola again helped. We met Yola's wife. Had a good talk about Marisol and her brother's future. Gail really just needs to rest and let herself feel through everything. Process. I got Theo and Devante to help us out. Mami will stop by before and after school. We got a schedule going so she won't ever be alone in the apartment."

 

"I'm going to send her flowers. And wine." Olivia decided, biting her lip. He smiled. "They don't live too far away, do they? We could go over and cook for her sometime."  

 

"She'll accuse us of spoiling her."

 

"Why doesn't it feel like enough?" She sighed, expression darkening. She was stressed. 

 

"I wish we could take away the pain, Liv. But all we can do is be there."     

 

"I know. But I look at her and I see me, you know?" His heart broke. "I mean, I'll never know the pain she went through growing up gay in her family…but the isolation. Overinvesting in work. The hyper-cautiousness and self monitoring, even when she's around friends. She doesn't want to impose or attract too much attention. She wants to seem fine."

 

"Been there done that." He agreed.

 

"I lived like that for too long. Before I had Noah, I would just let myself drown in it." She went on. "And if I can save anyone from that pain, I should." He stroked her hair back from her face. "The last time I taught a self defense workshop to the girls in the after school program, Gail took my out for coffee afterwards." She inhaled sharply, suddenly fidgety. "We talked for a few hours. Did you know she was engaged when she came to New York?" His brow furrowed. 

 

"When she started college? She was barely 18." 

 

"This girl…they knew each other in high school. Exchanged rings. Moved to the lower east side together. Applied for a marriage license and everything. She cheated on Gail. They broke up. She went home that summer and it almost killed her…I mean _that was_ _me_ , Rafael." The similarities began to dawn on him. Olivia, barely 16, engaged to a college student just to get away. Nearly losing it all when it fell apart, including a home to come back to. "I just don't know how to help and it's driving me crazy."   

 

"Hey." He shifted, gathering her up tightly in his arms. "She really admires and respects you, Liv. Your time goes a long way." She mulled it over, kissing his cheek and pressing her nose into the collar of his shirt.

 

"You sure?" He playfully pinched at her side. 

 

"Oh yah. She and I are the same in that regard." She sighed. "Share yourself with her like you did with me just now. I think there's a lot of comfort in knowing someone older than you went through the same thing and came out on the other side of it." 

 

"I'll try." She pulled back to look at him for a long moment, nothing but affection in her eyes now. "Noah's been out for about 20 minutes. We'll get at least another 45 out of him. Care to join me for a bath?"

 

"Care to? Oh. Well. I mean, I guess." He said nonchalantly as he frantically pitched her file to the other end of the couch and abruptly stood up, forcing her to her feet, and then practically dragging her down the hall. She had to muffle her laugh in her free hand.     

 

~

 

The tension finally ebbed out of her body entirely as she sat between his knees in the tub. The water had fogged up the mirrors and was threatening to spill over the edges of the basin but she couldn't be bothered. He hummed, equally relaxed. He slipped his arms underneath hers and ghosted his fingers across her thighs and rib cage. She leaned her head back on his shoulder

 

"No funny business." She teased.

 

"Absolutely nothing funny going on here." He confirmed before dropping a few open mouthed kisses on her neck. "Who's laughing? Not me." She shook with suppressed laughter and muffled shriek as he tickled her stomach. She seized the offending hand and trapped it between her own. 

 

"Weirdo." She huffed, unfurling his fist and studying the creases on his palm.

 

"Any insights?" She brought it to her lips before looking at him over her shoulder, holding his open hand to the center of her chest. He used it to hold her close as she took his other hand and studied it just as intently.  

 

"A few." She slipped the back of her hand against his palm. He linked their fingers. She kissed his knuckles before wrapping their arms around her waist.

 

"Marisol's custody hearing is set for next week." He said quietly. "And I think it's going to be my last case." She inhaled sharply. God. It felt like that conversation about his future happened years ago. She rubbed her cheek against his. His stubble sent a thrill down her spine. He traced patterns on her sternum with his fingertips.

 

"Professor Barba…" She mused, feeling the corner of his mouth quirk with a small, disbelieving smile against her jaw. "I'm so happy for you. And proud of you." She squeezed the arm bracketing her waist. "This could be good."

 

"It could be." He agreed. "But _I know_ this is good." He drew a circle around her belly button. "And _I know_ I want more of this."

 

"Baths?" She teased. 

 

"You. And Noah. However. Whenever. As much as possible. Weekends like this. Teaching will let me be here and…I want you to know important that is to me." Her heart must have skipped a beat. It had to when he talked like this. "And you were right. I don't want to pay penance anymore. I want to try something new."

 

"We'll go tweed shopping in the morning." He pulled a disgusted face.  "Something nice. Plaid. Elbow patched. Oh and knit ties-"

 

"Don't make me regret this." He laughed dropping fast, loud, and obnoxious kisses on her cheek and neck till she was giggling and pushing him off.

 

"I love you." She said seriously, catching his bottom lip between her own.         


	4. Chapter 4

It never took her long to come when his head was between her thighs.

 

Fuck. He was too good.

 

It crashed and rolled through her like the foamy break of a wave. He stretched it out with slow laps of the tongue, releasing his bruising grip on her hips as she went boneless. He kissed the crease of her thighs and gasped for breath until she forced herself to sit up, pulling him into a hard kiss as she fumbled for a condom. He attempted to pin her but she pushed him to the side, hitching a leg over his hip and her putting her arms around his neck. He got up on an elbow for leverage, kissing every part of her face and throat.

 

"Fuck."

 

"Jesus." 

 

It didn't last long.

 

She panted. He groaned against her neck before laughing lightly, kissing her shoulder softly to apologize for a hicky.

 

"God. You feel too good." She swore, turning her cheek against his as they embraced. Thrills ran up and down his spine. 

 

"So beautiful." He kissed her cheeks and her closed eyelids. "Nena." _Baby_. He kissed her lips and her chin and both sides of her jaw. They allowed themselves a minute to luxuriate before getting out of bed, cleaning up, and rushing into some clothes. Somewhere in the apartment cartoons had been switched on. Noah was awake.

 

In the bathroom mirror she brushed out her hair, still wavy from the bath and damp around the ends. He bemoaned the tee shirt that had been thrown on over her body. The shorts made his fingers twitch so hard it took him a minute to button his jeans. She owned him. Utterly. He joined her, carefully gathering her hair in his hands and pulling it to the side so he could touch his lips to the back of her neck. "Cielo." He mumbled. _Heaven_. He met her eyes in the mirror. "Tesoro." _Treasure_. She bit her lip and watched the way his hands moved across her waist, cupping her reverently against his body. She sucked in a breath.   

 

"Si cierro los ojos y vuelvo a abrirlos, vas a estar todavia?" _If I close and then open my eyes…will you still be there?_   She beamed as she caught him by surprise. He turned her around and kissed her softly. Warmly. Cupping her face in his hands. He was a dream. An absolute dream. She nipped playfully at his bottom lip, curling her fingers into his shirt and yanking him closer.     

 

"You still sound Italian." He said, unable to not harass her for her accent.  

 

"Shut up." She snorted, ducking against his shoulder. He rocked back on his heels, content to stay in her arms like this for another year or two or ten. Noah called for her and she sighed. "He can do everything but reach the orange juice." He chuckled. "Sorry."   

 

"Don't be." He butted his forehead up against hers as she looked up. "You make my hands shake." He said, more than a little punch drunk. She raised an eyebrow, suddenly mirthful at his expense. "What?"

 

"Nothing."     

 

~

 

Noah was still exhausted from the day's events. He took turns lying on or against them on the couch while they watched movies and played cards and yawned through the late afternoon. By six the poor boy was about ready to go back to bed. He sprawled over both of them as they watched Despicable Me, head on his lap, legs thrown over hers. It was a pretty good set up. 

 

"Want to order in?" Rafael asked, draping his arm across the back of the couch to card his fingers through her hair. She pulled a face.

 

"Too greasy. And after all that pizza earlier?"

 

"I'll run down to that deli down the block. Ciabatta sandwiches sound okay?"

 

"Mmmmm good idea." 

 

"I wanna come!" Noah piped up. Olivia snorted.

 

"You sure?"

 

"Yah!"

 

"What if you fall asleep standing up?" She teased him. He shrugged. 

 

"I'll sleep walk."

 

"I guess I'll have to go to. I don't trust you to not sleep walk yourself down into the subway." Noah erupted with laughter.

 

"Just tie me up to Rafa!" He suggested.

 

"Oh no." Rafael said. "Everyone will be out walking their dogs. It will take an hour to get there with all of them asking which pound was giving away labradoodle puppies." Noah nearly fell off the couch he was laughing so hard.

 

"Go get you shoes." Olivia giggled, giving him a boost. He ran off to his bedroom, still cackling. "He's delirious!" She groaned.

 

They set off together, putting on shoes and hoodies and sweaters to ward off the evening chill. The sun was setting. Noah schmoozed his way up to a ride astride Rafael's shoulders. The little bodega sized place was two corners over but had all of the right fixings for the best ham and cheese, grilled cheese, and roast beef subs in the borough. They ordered too many fries and salt and vinegar potato chips. He carried their bulging take away bag. Olivia gave her son a piggy back ride on the way back. They took their time, talking about everything and nothing, shoulders bumping all the way.

 

They ate sitting on the floor, circled around the coffee table. True to their predictions, Noah passed out with his cheek on the table and a pickle spear in his mouth about three quarters of the way through dinner. Olivia couldn't stop laughing and taking photos on her phone.

 

"Poor guy…" Rafael whispered, trying to pull the pickle out without waking him up. He failed, the boy blinked at them blearily.

 

"Hey bub, go brush your teeth and put on your PJs." Olivia leaned over to kiss his table-creased cheek. He stumbled when he stood. "I'll help." She decided. Rafael cleaned up the living room before checking in on them. She had to carry him to bed. He was as limp as a rag doll.  "I should have put him in sports sooner." She joked, pulling the covers over him. Rafael chuckled, bringing Eddie the Elephant over and ruffling the boy's curls. They turned off the lights and closed the door without so much as a peep from the lump under the covers.

 

"Wine?" He asked as she took his hand.

 

"Get out of my head." She had a new bottle of red. He passed on the whiskey she usually kept for him. Tonight felt soft. And celebratory still. He connected his phone to the Bluetooth speaker in her living room and put on something smooth. "Tony Bennett? Someone's feeling romantic." She handed him his wine. 

 

"Don't act so surprised." He tapped his glass against hers and took a long drink. "I've always loved this song."

 

_My funny Valentine, sweet comic Valentine…you make me smile with my heart…_

 

"You're not going to ask me to dance, are you?" He hooked a finger in her belt loop.    

 

"Should I wait till the bottle's empty?"

 

"I'm all heels."

 

"The boots are off and you're two inches shorter, I'll take my chances." She knocked back nearly half her glass in one go but put it down on the counter before stepping into his arms. 

 

"If today were a movie this would be a really great ending." 

 

"What? You antagonizing the man just trying to impress you?" She laughed as he spun her around before pulling her close. She draped one arm around his neck and slipped the other hand into his. He linked their fingers. She closed her eyes and hid her face in his neck, breathing deeply as he led. 

 

_Yet you're my favorite work of art…_

 

There were a few purposeful steps and turns but it quickly devolved into just rocking back and forth, leaning heavily on each other as if the moment might disappear. She stroked the back of his neck and threaded her fingers through his hair. He hummed. 

 

_But don't change a hair for me, not if you care for me. Stay little Valentine stay…each day is Valentine's day…_

 

"Stay the night."

 

"I will." He said.

 

"I might get a call tomorrow…" They joked about her spidey senses sometimes. Intuition is a bitch in police work.

 

"I'll stay." He said again, pressing his cheek to her hair. "Need to draft my two weeks notice anyway."

 

"Will I see you much next week?" He thought about it, forcing his sluggish brain to consider his schedule.

 

"Probably not." He admitted. "Not till Thursday." He felt her frown against his neck.

 

"I'll bring you lunch." She decided. He smiled. They cheated the system sometimes. Lunch. Lots of coffee breaks. "I…" She fell short, fingers fidgeting with the collar of his shirt. He didn't press her. Tony Bennet faded out and bled seamlessly into a Sinatra song. "Stay close to me." Her voice was hoarse. Almost pained. She wasn't talking about the present moment.

 

"I am. I will."

 

"I know I can be too much but-"

 

"No. Not for me."

 

"Not yet anyway."

 

"What is this, Liv?" He asked gently. She fell quiet against his shoulder. He waited, continued to rock them back and forth.  

 

"When the going gets good, the good usually get going." She attempted to turn it into a joke.

 

"We've-"

 

"I know." She pulled back enough to look at him finally. "I'm not asking for reassurance. I've just…never made it this far before." She smiled bashfully. "So if I seem clingy, it's because I am. And if I sound scared, it's because I have absolutely no idea what I'm doing." He pulled her close again and leaned his temple on hers.   

 

"Just how far are we, Olivia?" He kept his tone playful to make up for the thunder she probably felt in his pulse at this point. He kissed the soft spot below her ear that usually made her arch into him. It worked.

 

"Somewhere in the atmosphere." She said.


	5. Chapter 5

Gail yawned and rolled over in bed, swearing as she caught sight of the clock. 6 pm.

 

She had laid down for a nap around 2.30. _No more pain killers_ she thought, fumbling for the ringing cell phone that had roused her. She was somewhat surprised to see Rafael's caller ID. He was a texter by nature.

 

"Good morning." She joked, clearing her throat as she answered.

 

"Hey Gail." Olivia said, doing little to hide her amusement.

 

"Lieutenant Benson, to what do I owe the pleasure?"

 

"Do you have any dinner plans?"

 

"None whatsoever."

 

"Good, open up." A set of knocks landed on the front door.

 

"Son of a bitch." She groaned, hanging up and searching frantically for pants. She stumbled into some jeans and threw a flannel over her camisole before running for the door. She found Olivia and Rafael with an arm load of bags, a vase of flowers, and a bottle of champagne. She pretended to swoon. "This is so romantic."  

 

"This was the fifth time we called you." Rafael breezed past her, into the surprisingly well kept living room and then into the narrow kitchen.

 

"I fell asleep on my books." She apologized, hugging Olivia. "And my secretary and my PA are out, what's a girl to do?"

 

"The boys are gone?" Olivia asked, putting the flowers on the kitchen counter while Rafael began unpacking and arranging ingredients. 

 

"Devante's on a date and Theo spent the day with his sisters."

 

"Well, we brought enough for them too." Rafael said. "Pancakes, hash browns, and bacon, sound good?"

 

"Is this a bribe? This feels like a bribe. What do you want?" She narrowed her eyes.

 

"Am I incapable of goodwill?" Rafael sighed in fake exasperation.

 

"Behave." Olivia said to both of them while mixing mimosas. "This is a nice place Gail."

 

"Don't open any cabinets or closets." She deadpanned. They both snorted. "We make ends meet." She shrugged. The place was clean and bright. They had a big round  dining room table that had a neat stack of books and a few mugs full of pens arranged in the middle of it. The living room was organized around the slate fireplace and exposed brick wall. They had shelves crammed with books. The walls were lined with carefully curated posters from bands, classic movies, and protests. There was a proper couch, an arm chair, and some bean bags but not a TV in sight. There was a massive turn table and vinyl collection in the corner by a set of French doors. A Romeo and Juliet balcony looked down over the street. Gail went over to put on a KD Lange record. "Not enough room or time to be messy." She said. "The boys sleep in one room and any guests sleep with me." Olivia laughed.

 

"In college I lived with three of my sorority sisters in a two bedroom apartment for a year. We had bunks in one room and all of our desks in the other. We had  to run the bathroom like army barracks."

 

"We have a google drive with a schedule." Gail snorted, accepting a drink. "All dates and family visits must be cosigned and witnessed." She sat on the kitchen counter with Olivia while Rafael whisked around the kitchen and commandeered the stove top. His shirtsleeves were rolled up and his suspenders were pushed off. He wasn't much of a cook but they could trust him with breakfast food.

 

Olivia reached over and examined Gail's hands. Two weeks had passed. The stitches were long gone. Pink seams remained. She gave her a soft smile. "I'm okay. Almost got my range of motion back. The wrist is still bothering me…" She showed her the slightly more jagged mark on her wrist. Olivia traced her finger alongside it, frowning a little. "I'm seeing a physical therapist though, just to be sure nothing's long term."

 

"Good for you."

 

"Same guy that's working with Marisol, actually. She says it's not so bad if I'm doing it with her."

 

"How is she?" Olivia let go of her wrist but held on to her hand.

 

"She had one last surgery on her left knee on Monday but she was sitting up in bed on her own and talking a little bit when I saw her Tuesday morning. She's really perked up since the custody transfer."

 

"I'm glad." Yola and Elyse were now the full time guardians for Marisol and Anthony Gunter. It took the judge all of ten minutes to make that decision. The rest of the Gunters were awaiting trial. The mother had been paroled but was on house arrest with an ankle monitor. The Uncle was remanded and, the last they heard, about to plead out. It was a blessedly happy ending so far. Rafael plated their meals. The group sat around the table, catching each other up on their lives. Gail had gone back to school after taking short leave and would be back at work with Lucia next week. Olivia had bagged a handful of bastards, per usual. Rafael had finished his last week of work at the child advocacy firm. It was a Wednesday night and nobody had much else to do. It started to rain. Gail put on a pot of coffee and cracked the French doors open.   

 

"Did I pass?" Gail said.

 

"Pass?" Rafael raised an eyebrow, settling on the couch with Olivia.

 

"The health and wellness test." She dropped into the arm chair, kicking her heals up on the coffee table. 

 

"I'm just here for the gossip." He said. They laughed.  

 

"I appreciate it guys. Really. I've been…kind of hiding away."

 

"You deserve the time and space to process." Olivia reassured her. "But you don't have to do that in isolation."

 

"Fair." She took a long drink of coffee, getting up to flip the vinyl currently playing. "Hey Professor Barba, when do you jump offices?" He snorted.

 

"I'll be taking over the biggest broom closet Columbia could afford this weekend. They're giving me a week to throw together a syllabus for a summer Criminal Law intro course."

 

"Need any help throwing boxes around? I know some of your soon to be students." 

 

"Mami, Carisi, and Noah have already wormed their way into this." Rafael groaned. Olivia lightly backhanded his chest. "Volunteered their services." He corrected himself.   

 

"Come with us. We'll get breakfast. Lucia's never not asking about you."

 

~

 

Noah and Lucia were sitting at Rafael's kitchen counter when they got back. The boy was bathed and ready for bed but was obviously making an effort to stay up for them. She was exploiting his defiance by helping him run through his Spanish flashcards.

 

"Mami y Rafael!" He said, jumping down from his seat and running up for hugs. He wrapped himself around Rafael's legs first, much to his mother's amusement and partial dismay.

 

"Hola amigo, como estas?" 

 

"Bien!" He said proudly as Olivia scooped him up.

 

"Thank you so much Lucia."

 

"De Nada, mi amor. We had a great time." She gathered her things.

 

"That means 'it's nothing', that's how you say you're welcome." Noah whispered, making sure Olivia understood. They laughed. It took some coaxing to both get Lucia out the door and to put Noah down in the guest bedroom but they conquered. It was a school night for both of them, after all. Olivia yawned and collapsed onto the couch in Rafael's study, using her phone to answer the emails that had accumulated since leaving the office. She stretched out on her side, pillowing an arm under her head. He sat on the floor, determined to finish sorting through the cardboard boxes cluttering up the room. He didn't keep much in the old office and wasn't planning on taking much to the new one, but he always rotated the collection of books and papers from job to job.

 

"I haven't looked at some of these since I was in school."

 

"Are they still in print?"   

 

"Ha ha." He said flatly. 

 

"I bet we could find some stone-tablet to english translations on Amazon." She giggled, pleased with herself as he shot her a weak glare over his shoulder.

 

"I was literally a year old when you were born." He reminded her, leaning back on the couch and turning so he could drape an arm over her waist and kiss her quiet. Soft and slow, taking him time reacquainting after a long few days spent mostly apart.    

 

"That's classified information, counselor."

 

"Professor." He corrected her.

 

"Professor." She agreed. She smiled, stroked his cheek, and kissed him again. He rested his head on her chest. She stroked his hair. "That's going to be a hell of a habit to break." He smiled.

 

"For me too." He pressed his ear down until he could hear her heartbeat. "I don't think I could do this without you."

 

"Not exactly true. But I'm really glad I could help." He sat up and kissed her chastely. He smiled, pinched her cheek affectionately. He turned back to his work. She watched. "If you could teach any class in the world, what would it be?" He paused.

 

"Prosecution for morons." He joked. She snorted.

 

"Seriously though."

 

"I've never thought of that." He admitted. "I guess I'm going to find out."

 

"I'm excited." She decided, picking up her phone again to continue responding to emails.

 

"Keep all that in mind when we're forced into Ivy League functions. Lots more schmoozing for money with this gig."

 

"I'm a cop, you have to babysit my kid. Done." He paused again.

 

"You're brilliant." She shrugged. 

 

"Or, you know…we dress up, take pictures, get drunk, and make fun of the keynote speakers in the back. I'm ready either way." He grinned and shook his head. 

 

"Have I told you that I love you lately?" She laughed, biting her lip to keep quiet. He finished the task at hand, humming a familiar sounding tune to accompany the quiet and the street sounds. Boxes repacked and ready, he sighed and leaned back against the couch. She wrapped an arm around his chest and anchored him to herself, nuzzling into his neck. He rubbed his stubbly cheek against her smooth one. Her hair tickled his ear. He contemplated putting words to the overwhelming feelings inundating his mind but came up dry. He screwed his eyes shut and breathed deeply. She slipped her hand down the collar of his shirt, playing with the chain of his medal and drawing patterns across his chest.

 

"I love you." She mumbled. His eyes were wet when he opened them. He turned his body and kissed her, cradling her head in the crook of his arm. 

 

"I love you." He kissed her a second time. "I love you." A third. "I love you." She rested her smile against his cheek.  

 

"I want you." Her tone was soft. His mouth went dry.

 

"You have me." She stroked his hair, tracing the salt and pepper strands on his temples with her thumb.

 

"Baby…" Her voice cracked. "I want to spend the rest of my life with you."

 

He was a goner.        

 

~

 

"Touch me." She said, undulating beneath him. He kicked his pants down and slipped his hand between them. "More." She gasped. "Harder." He obliged as much as he could, mouthing at her jaw and swallowing an elated laugh when he saw the pleasure drenching her face.

 

The floor was hard beneath her back and under his knees.

 

"Liv." He groaned. He would have aches and pains and carpet burns but for god's sake who could be fucking bothered when Olivia Benson says she wants to spend the rest of her life with _you_. 

 

~

 

The boxes were dropped off early. Breakfast was snagged at a delicious bistro down the block. Lucia and Gail volunteered to take Noah to the zoo. Carisi and Rollins headed back to the station after gawking around the campus and mercilessly teasing Olivia about the social upgrade that was soon to accompany Rafael's new position.

 

They returned to the office alone.

 

It was about as big as his spot at the advocacy center but with shelf space to spare and huge windows with deep sills. He sighed and leaned against the frame of one, slipping his arms around her waist. She leaned against him. She thought about the plaque in the hall, which already had his name printed on it in vinyl letters, and beamed. 

 

"Not bad."

 

"Not bad at all."   

 

"Knock-knock." Someone said from the direction of the half open door. "Rafael Barba? I'm Caleb Bryans." It was an older man with a beard that looked a bit like Jack McCoy around the edges. Olivia stepped aside so Rafael could stride forward and shake his hand.

 

"Dr. Bryans. So good to meet you in person. This is my partner, Olivia Benson."   

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> fin. thank you for the exceedingly kind words.


End file.
